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Joe Biden (Old Man) Quotes - February 2024


The Old Man's Got a Point...Just No One Knows What it is



In 2020, Democrats and their supporters gifted American History with one of their more esteemed candidates for high office in Joey B. Through below-average public-speaking skills and openly declining cognitive abilities, The Suit has continued to impress with each passing month as the world's preeminent Walking-Talking Gaffe Machine (WTGM). Biden has continued to supply political history with new instances of disconnect from his surroundings while peppering speeches with complete fabrications, making for one long comedy reel for the ages.

While the Left-wing-dominated Main Stream Media overlooks such a complete, robust body of work, this page does not - recording these delicious morsels for posterity. Keep in mind that 81.2 million voters laughably approved of these messages from various instances of the same Old Man...
Feb
2024
Desperately Trying to Make New Friends, Defiant Old Man Bypasses HOA Rules
"...and the Supreme Court blocked it. But that didn't stop me." - Biden patting himself on the back for working around Congress and SCOTUS to forgive billions in student loan debt during an election year, Feb.2024
Feb
2024
Old Man Robot Gets Too Far Ahead, Cord Pops Loose From Outlet
"You know, when buying snacks for the game, you might have noticed one thing: sports drinks bottles are smaller, a bag of chips has fewer chips, but they're still charging just as much." - A disconnected Joe Biden in a much-panned Superbowl Commercial blaming manufacturers for selling less for more under the strain of Bidenomics, Feb.2024
Feb
2024
Stubborn Old Man Admits Fault by Not Admitting Fault
"I take responsibility for not having seen exactly what my staff was doing!" - Biden, deflecting blame on classified documents stored openly in his Delaware home garage while serving as VP, Feb.2024
Feb
2024
Senile Old Man Goes to Great Lengths to Prove He is, Indeed, Senile
"As you know, initially, the president of Mexico, Sisi, did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in [to Gaza]. I talked to him. I convinced him to open the gate." - Biden, apparently talking about Egyptian President Sisi running the North American country of Mexico which borders the Gaza Strip near Israel in the Middle East, Feb.2024
Feb
2024
Like a New Car Fresh Off the Lot, Old Man Loses Value by the Day
"If I were him, I'd want him to debate me, too. He’s got nothing else to do." - Biden, when asked if he would answer Trump's debate challenge, Feb.2024
Feb
2024
Lost Old Man Cannot Escape Town's Only Roundabout
"It was in the south of England. And I sat down and I said, 'America is back,' and Mitterrand from Germany, I mean from France, looked at me and said - said, ‘you know what - why - how long you back for?" - Biden, referring to current French President Macron as the deceased French President Mitterand (dead since 1996), Feb.2024
Feb
2024
Creepy Old Man Impersonates Obstetrician, Hilarity Ensues
"I love how Trump is saying Biden is for abortion on demand. That's not true. That's not what Roe v. Wade said. It said the three trimesters." - Biden attempts to right a wrong by being rightfully wrong, Feb.2024
Jan
2024
Old Man Robot Attempts to Show Empathy, Short Circuits on Fake Tears
"Oh, well I tell you what it means a lot to me. My son spent a year in Iraq. That's how I lost him..." - Biden repeating lie of his son Beau dying in military service in Iraq during a call to family of fallen U.S. soldier killed in Jordan via Iranian-backed drone strike, Jan.2024
Jan
2024
Tired Old Man Cannot Wait to Retire From Being a Tired Old Man
"Did you see what he recently said about … he wants to, he wants to see the economy crash this year? A sitting president" - Biden at a SC rally refering to former President Donald Trump as the 'sitting president', Jan.2024
Jan
2024
Deranged Old Man Starts House Fire, Asks for Gasoline to Put It Out
"...Republicans in Congress to give me the authority to shut down the border when it becomes overwhelmed...I would use it the day I sign the bill into law." - Biden, blaming House Republicans for the Border Mess he, himself, has created, Jan.2024
Jan
2024
Old Man Says Something About Something, Leaves People Puzzled
"The beer brewed here...hah ish issah use to make the brew beer here...issh da-finer...oooooh Earth Rider...thanks for the Great Lakes!" - Biden at a WI brewery, Jan.2024
Jan
2024
Proud Old Man Brags About Really Big Numbers
"14 million new jobs since I became president. 169 new jobs in Wisconsin." - Biden at a WI brewery touting his jobs 'creation', Jan.2024
Jan
2024
Religious Old Man Begins Speaking in Tongues
"We'll teach Donald Trump a valuable lesson: Don't mess with the meninuv America unless you wanna get the benifuh." - Biden, speaking at a pro-abortion rally, Jan.2024
Jan
2024
Government Pensioner Revealed to be Election Denier
"Hello, Virginia, and the real governor, Terry McAuliffe..." - Biden when introducing fellow Dem T.McAuliffe at Virginia rally; McAuliffe lost to Republican G.Youngkin in Nov.2022
Jan
2024
Reflective Old Man Comments After Reading First Romance Novel
"I understand their passion..." - Biden responding to pro-Gaza protestors at speech given in Mother Emanuel AME Church, Charleston
Dec
2023
Senile Old Man Wakes Up From Dream Where He is President
"Yes! Wait. Where?..." - Joe Biden in response to reporter's question 'Are we expecting a hostage deal any time soon?'
Dec
2023
Lying Old Man Continues to Tell Lie to Make it True
"And the smoke literally ended up being that thick, literally that thick. You've seen it. You guys have seen it. I wasn't there. And my wife was there and my dog and my cat and my '67 corvette. But all kidding aside, they saved my wife and got her out. They saved my home." - Joe Biden retelling the House Fire Lie which was contained in the kitchen by firefighters in 20 minutes
Dec
2023
Giddy Old Man Taps Into His Inner Child to Come Up With Ginormous Number
"Over a billion three hundred million trillion three hundred million dollars!" - Joe Biden speaking to crowd at Investing in Nevada event
Dec
2023
Scholarly Old Man Learns That the Fastest Route Between Point A and Number 2 is a Train
"All the studies show, by the way - people get from point A to point B faster on a train than their car they take the train! They take the train." - Joe Biden speaking to crowd at Investing in Nevada event
Dec
2023
Hopeful Old Man Continues to Repeat Lie in Effort to Make it True
"The Second Amendment didn't say you can own any gun, you can own any weapon. You couldn't own a cannon when the Second Amendment was passed." - Joe Biden covering gun control at an 'Investing in Nevada' event
Nov
2023
Delusional Old Man Tries to Tell It How It...Isn't
"Let me be clear to any corporation that hans't brought their prices back down even as inflation has come down: It's time to stop the price gouging." - Joe Biden to Corporate America, seemingly unaware of how Inflation actually works
Nov
2023
Senile Old Man Reveals Where He Hides Appartment Key
"Hey Nick! Hello, Marley. Now look, my Marine carries, uh, has a code to blow up the world. That doesn't - it's not, uh, nuclear weapons, is it?" - Joe Biden to Colorado wind plant workers, Nov.29,2023
Nov
2023
Sleeping Old Man Enters R.E.M. Phase
"From turkey to air travel to a tank of gas, costs went down… On Thanksgiving two years ago, a hundred container ships were waiting to dock… This year, there are less than 10 meaning as folks start their holiday shopping, shelves are stocked" - Joe Biden on how he's saved Americans from inflation, Nov.27,2023
Nov
2023
Unprepared Old Man Relies on Nonsense Words During Speech
"Look, he is. He’s a dictator in the sense that he’s a guy who runs a country that is a communist country that is based on a form of government totally different from ours" - Joe Biden, speaking on Chinese President Xi
Oct
2023
Old Man Expert in Guns Showcases His Experting
"Who, in God's Name, needs a weapon with one hundred rounds in a...chamber." - Joe Biden, pretending to know something about firearms
Oct
2023
Emboldened Old Man Skips Warm Milk, Takes Fight Directly to Corn Pop
"I'm not suggesting that Hamas deliberately did it either, it's that whole thing - got to know how to shoot straight." - Biden commenting on rocket strike at Gaza Hospital that killed at least 500
Oct
2023
Sleepy Old Man Tries - and Fails - to Deliver Movie Poster Tagline
"I asked the secretary of state when he and I were working in the Senate to write something for me and he said he wrote a line that I think is appropriate. He said, 'It's not we lead, it's not just...' Well, I won't go into it, I'll wait 'til later, taking too much time." - Biden while on visit in Israel
Oct
2023
Disconnected Old Man Claims to Have Invented the Question Mark
"I think that the American people are smart as hell and know what their interests are. I think they know they’re better off financially than they were before" - Old Man Biden to a reporter's question on the economy and why people dont feel positive about it
Oct
2023
Deranged Old Man Develops Taste for Crow
"Building a massive wall that spans the entire southern border is not a serious policy solution..." - J.Biden in Jan.2021 as he halted the Trump Border Wall; Fast-forward to Oct.2023 for an LOL moment and Biden Admin waves 26 Fed laws to resume construction of Texas Border Wall to stem tide of illegal immigration
Sep
2023
Out-of-Touch Old Man Desperate to be Cool
"Two of the great artists of our time representing the groundbreaking legacy of hip hop in America, LL Jay Cool J, uhhh...By the way that boy - that man's got biceps bigger than my thighs." - J.Biden because who else?
Sep
2023
Senile Old Man Accidentally Packs Napsack for Skydiving
"I know Sister Norma lives the lessons nuns taught me growing up. Lessons based on the Gospel of Matthew: feed the hungry, care for the sick, welcome strangers. They echo what my dad taught me, and I mean this sincerely, my dad used to say, 'Everyone, everyone is entitled to be treated with dignity and respect.' The Congressional Black Caucus embodies all those values." - J.Biden, only problem was he was talking to the Congressional Hispanic Caucus which is a very different group
Sep
2023
Lying Old Man Looking to Be Everyone's Best Friend
"I, you might say, was raised in the synagogues of my state. You think I'm kidding, I'm not..." - J.Biden, talking to a group of rabbis before Rosh HaShanah
Sep
2023
Racist Old Man Relies on Stereotypes to Drive Message Home
"...particularly for African Americans and Hispanic workers and veterans - you know, the workers without high school diplomas." - J.Biden, letting his true self leak out
Sep
2023
Lying Old Man's Pants Catch On Fire, Remains Oblivious
"I taught at the University of Pennsylvania for four years." - J.Biden, openly lying about having taught at the school
Sep
2023
Derranged Old Man Insists His Time Machine Works as Intended
"Ground Zero in New York. I remember standing there the next day - Felt like I was looking through the gates of hell." - J.Biden, claiming he was at GZ the day after the 9/11 attacks; in our reality, he was in D.C.
Sep
2023
Disconnected Old Man Fears Fireflies More Than Grizzlies
"The only existential threat humanity faces — even more frightening than a nuclear war — is global warming going above 1.5 degrees over the next ten years. And we're in real trouble. There's no way back from that." - J.Biden, after a recent trip to the beach
Sep
2023
Old Man Rambles On and On While Sipping Warm Milk by the Fire
"...And the Indian scout, the Indian looks at John Wayne and points to the Union soldier and says, 'He's a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.' Well, there's a lot of lying, dog-faced pony soldiers out there about - about global warming, but not anymore. All of a sudden, they're all realizing it's a problem. And there's nothing like seeing the light." - J.Biden, who is completely in the dark
Sep
2023
Broken Down Old Man No Longer Hiding It
"But I tell you what, I don't know about you, but I'm going to go to bed." - J.Biden
Sep
2023
Lost Old Man Finds Way Home by Following Point 1 to Letter Z
"Yeah, we talked...we talked about...we talked about it at the conference. Overall, we talked about stability. We talked about making sure that the Third World, the Third World...the Southern Hemisphere had access to change. It had access." - J.Biden
Sep
2023
Conniving Old Man Wants Readers to Keep His Juicy Secret
"I've been tested again today, I'm clear across the board, but they keep telling me, because this has to be ten days or something, I've got to keep wearing it. But don't tell them I didn't have it on when I walked in." - J.Biden at a WH MoH ceremony, this while school children in Maryland have been ordered to don masks once more.
Sep
2023
Disconnected Old Man Lets Creativity Run Amok
"[inflation is] near its lowest point in over two years." - J.Biden attempting to make a bad situation worse
Sep
2023
Sad Old Man Forgets His Other Homes - and How Wealthy He Is
"I have no home to go to." - J.Biden commenting on his under-construction Delaware estate; Biden owns two homes and has access to the WH
Sep
2023
With Beachtime Top-of-Mind, Scheming Old Man Makes Up Excuse
"I haven't had the occasion to go to East Palestine. There's a lot going on." - J.Biden responding to a reporter's question as to when he will visit East Palestine, OH months after a disastrous train derailment
Aug
2023
Delirious Old Man Repeats Words to Fill Dead Space
"Tentatively it is recommended that it will likely be recommended everybody get it no matter whether they've gotten it before or not." - J.Biden commenting on requiring more tax payer funding for yet-another COVID vaccine
Aug
2023
Senile Old Man Digs Deep to Find Most Uneven Comparison
"I don’t want to compare difficulties, but we have a little sense, Jill and I, of what it was like to lose a home..." - J.Biden in a speech to Maui wildfire victims comparing his small kitchen fire (which was put out in 20 mins) to the Hawaiian fires that have killed over 500 Hawaiians to date
Aug
2023
Determined Old Man Sifts Through Closet, Finds Captain Obvious Hat
"That's a hot ground, man!" - J.Biden commenting in Maui (site of massive fatal wildfire) during his visit to the island after a two week delay
Aug
2023
Creepy Old Man Cant Stop Being Creepy
"I want to say one thing to your children. I know some really great ice cream places around here and daddy owes you, so talk to me afterwards." - J.Biden addressing audience in WH East Room
Aug
2023
Angry Old Man Chases Squirrels Away with Garden Hose
"Name me a single objective we’ve ever set out to accomplish that we’ve failed on. Name me one, in all of our history. Not one!" - J.Biden shouting during speech at WH East Room, clearly forgeting his failed Student Loan Forgiveness scheme, the disorderly exit from Afghanistan (leaving 13 Marines dead), his 'uniting the country' promise, and having a transparent Admin.
Aug
2023
Deranged Old Man Renames Deal After Icelandic Volcano
"But then...when I signed the bipartivifiloxtureagain which..." - J.Biden with more made-up words to add to his ongoing reference guide
Aug
2023
Crazy Old Man Claims to be in Two Places at Once; Black Magic Suspected
"I watched that bridge collapse. I got there and saw it collapse with over 200 feet off the ground going over a valley. It collapsed. Thank God school was out during the pandemic" - J.Biden lying to Milwaukee crowd about having been at the 2022 Pittsburgh bridge collapse, which happened hours before his arrival
Aug
2023
Old Man Drops Incorrect Facts in Attempt to Sound Intelligent
"A lot of you were with me when I was in Pittsburgh. "By the way, Pittsburgh is a city of bridges - more bridges in Pittsburgh than any other city in America." - J.Biden with a fact that has been disproven by everyone including civil engineers of Pittsburgh (297 bridges counted) - even Philly has more bridges at 591
Aug
2023
Lying Old Man Repeats Lie He Loves Repeating
"My wife Jill and I know how you feel. We lost our son as well and brought him home in a flag-draped coffin." - J.Biden to C.Rex, mother of L.Cpl.D.Merola who died in Biden's botched Afghanistan exit; Biden's son Beau died of cancer and not in Iraq as claimed several times by Biden
Jul
2023
Ambitious Old Man Lists the Question Mark Among Many of His Accomplishments
"I said I'd cure cancer. They looked at me like, why cancer? Because no one thinks we can. That's why, and we can. We ended cancer as we know it." - J.Biden
Jul
2023
Sleepy Old Man Forgets a Few Zeros and Commas While Stating Very Important Fact
"We're still feeling the profound loss of a pandemic, as I mentioned, of over 100 people dead. That's 100 empty chairs around the kitchen table, every single loss. There are so many people left behind and broken folks." - J.Biden
Jul
2023
Old Man Openly Wishes He Were a Taller, More Honest Person
"If any of you think I’m Abe Lincoln, blame it on the AI." - A.I. Expert J.Biden
Jul
2023
Old Man Traps Young Couple in Elevator, Spews Nonsense
"How many times you read in infla – that a recession's comin'? They'ven in Wall Street today said no they don't see a resheck comin' now" - Biden on the economy(?)
Jul
2023
Old Man Revealed to Be Robot When Caught Powering Down
"And we brought Israelis and Palestinians together at a political level, and uh the uh uh...goin da bal shron..." - Biden meeting Israeli Prez.Herzog at WH
Jul
2023
Old Man Skips to Back of Book, Finds Confusing End
"Soon NATO will be the 32nd freestanding, have, free, 33, 32, freestanding members..." - Biden believed to be commenting on something-something NATO
Jul
2023
Old Man Wishes He Had Made Friends With Someone Else
"Vladimir and I … I shouldn't be so familiar...Mr. Zelensky and I talked about the kind of guarantees we could make in the meantime when I was in Ukraine and when we met in other places," - Biden refering to Ukrainian leader Zelensky as Russian leader Vladimir Putin
Jul
2023
Old Man Lets Slip PIN Number in Public Square
"This is a war relating to munitions. And they’re running out of that ammunition, and we’re low on it" - Biden giving up the state of American military readiness to potential enemies
Jun
2023
Old Man Loses Track of Topic, Takes Train Off Rails
"Less than a y - a guy driving a truck hit a b - anyway - knocked down a whole bridge and - the whole block - four lanes of the highway!" - Biden on Bidenomics
Jun
2023
Old Man Gives Take on Real Leader in Make-Believe War
"It's hard to tell but he's clearly losing the war in Iraq. He's losing the war at home."
- Biden in reference to Russian leader Putin, who is at war with Ukraine
Jun
2023
Confused Old Man Claims One Thing, Says Another
"I'm a practicing Catholic. I'm not big on abortion, but guess what? Roe vs. Wade got it right."
- Biden at fundraising event in Chevy Chase, MD
Jun
2023
Thieving Old Man Clears Conscience in Crowded Elevator
"I started off without you, and I stole a lot of state secrets and a lot of very important things...all kidding aside..."
- Biden during a meeting with Indian PM Modi
Jun
2023
Old Man Opens Up About Family Dirt at Casual Gathering
"The reason why Xi Jinping got very upset in terms of when I shot that balloon down with two boxcars full of spy equipment in it is he didn’t know it was there...No, I’m serious. That’s a great embarrassment for dictators when they didn't know what happened."
- Biden, not only directly referring to the Chinese leader as a dictator, but revealing sensitive information at an informal, private gathering
Jun
2023
Old Man Goes Back in Time to See Future
"And maybe most important, I've committed to - by 2020, we will have conserved 30% of all the lands and waters the United States has jurisdiction over and simultaneously reduce emissions to blunt climate impact,..."
- Biden saying this in 2023
Jun
2023
Old Man Tries to Describe How Butterflies Become Caterpillars
"I made it harder for people to buy stabilized braces. Put a pistol on a brace, it turns it into a gun. Makes it more, you can have a higher caliber weapon, a higher caliber bullet coming out of that gun."
Jun
2023
Old Man Gets Sidetracked by Shadow, Follows it Home
"...in Philadelphia and New York [that] you'd see a truck pull up, pull the curb and selling weapons, selling guns, selling AR-15s."
Jun
2023
No Warm Milk Before Bedtime Results in Cranky Old Man
"Why'd you ask such a dumb question?" - Biden, in regards to being referred to by the Ukraine/FBI informant file as the 'Big Guy', going on the defensive in a testy exchange with a member of the press
Jun
2023
Crazy Old Man Calls For Underwater Train Travel, Flying Horses Next
"We have plans to build a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean..." - Biden going off-script with the usual results
Jun
2023
Old Man Reaches into Mind Vault, Finds Nothing
"Uh, umm, uhh, er...former prime minister, uh, liked to take baths up...anyways." - Biden painfully attempting to recall the name of famous WW2 British leader Winston Churchill during a sit-down with the current British PM
May
2023
Old Man Sings Praises of Vampire Colleague
"With Nancy leading the way, you never had to worry about whether the bill would pass. She said she had the votes, she had the votes every time. She had the votes so many life changing pieces of legislation. She helped rescue the economy in the Great Depression." - Biden on N.Pelosi - who apparently has been in government since the Roaring '20s
May
2023
Old Man Talks Up Trip to Supermarket
"We've got a lot of work to do and I’m doing a major press conference this afternoon." - Biden, thinking an interview with Dem-propaganda arm MSNBC - in which he complained about media coverage of his administration - was a 'major press conference'
May
2023
Old Man Showcases Deep Grasp of History by Way of Civ VI
"Muslim culture has been woven throughout American culture from the very start." - From Biden's Twitter Feed
March
2023
Old Man Wishes He Was Somewhere Else
"We're not just here for today, I'm determined that we're going to leave nothing behind. We're going to get it done for you, I'm making sure you got a place to sleep, food to eat, helping you rebuild your lives in Rolling Stone." - Biden speaking in the aftermath of an EF tornado at Rolling Fork, MI
March
2023
Old Man Getting Pumped Before Diving Into Pool
"I'll stand on my blue mark, and then I'm going to say hello to each one of you..." - Biden as he is literally being led by a handler during a visit to a NC factory
March
2023
Old Man Attempts Joke at Funeral
"My name is Joe Biden. I'm Dr. Jill Biden's husband. And I eat Jeni's Ice Cream, chocolate chip. I came down because I heard there was chocolate chip ice cream. By the way, I have a whole refrigerator full upstairs. You think I'm kidding, I'm not." - Biden as he begins to address the deadly Nashville Christian school shooting that left six people, including three children, dead at the hands of a transgender woman (biological male)
March
2023
Old Man Give Shout Out to Friends at Neighbor's Expense
"Today I applaud China for stepping up - excuse me, I applaud Canada..." - Biden clealry with China as Top-of-Mind
March
2023
Old Lady Attempts to Science
"Well, it's been really warm because of global warming in the United States." - First Lady Jill Biden to Canadian Governor General
March
2023
Old Man Relies on Cultural Stereotypes For Cheap Laughs
"When I went over to Ireland, It was a great experience. I've been to Ireland many times, but not to actually look up - to find my actual family members. And there are so many - and they actually weren't in jail. There's still a place called Finnegan's pub...that's related to my family. I'm the only Irishman you ever met, though, that's never had a drink, so I'm okay. I'm really not Irish." - Biden laying down insults against Irish culture during a WH St. Patrick's Day celebration
March
2023
Old Man Lies to Crowd, Crowd Asks for Spoons
"...the banking system is safe." - This following the unexpectedly fast collapse of bank SVD in CA, the largest collapse since the Great Recession; of course blame on Trump followed thereafter as did the closure of Signature Bank in NY.
March
2023
Old Man Feels Need to Provide Opinion
"What's going on in Florida is, as my mother would say, close to sinful. It's just terrible what they're doing." - Biden on the Daily Show, commenting on laws enacted by the state to protect minors from damaging medical procedures
March
2023
Old Man Attempts to Rewrite History
"MAGA Republicans are calling for defunding the police department." - It was clearly the Democrats and supporting Leftists / Progressives that called for the Defunding of Police across America during the 2020 riots / protests
March
2023
Old Man is Honest for First Time in Life
"I came back from trip after being away for couple of days,and i had this terrible headaches. They had to take my head off couple a times to see if i have a brain."
March
2023
Old Man Forgets History, Makes Up New One
"I stand with the Capitol Police. I hope House Republicans feel ashamed for what was done to undermine our law enforcement." - Biden clearly overlooking the damage done by the Democratic leaders to law enforcement during the riots/anti-police marches of 2020
March
2023
Old Man Looks into Mirror Before Morning Walk
"I may be a white boy, but I'm not stupid." - Biden proving to be half-right
February
2023
Cranky Old Man Misses Early Bird, Chases Down Valet
"I know it may make some of you uncomfortable, but that little state above me, Delaware is one of them, has the highest rate, one of the highest rates of gun ownership. But guess what? We're going to ban assault weapons again come hell or high water and high capacity magazines. When we did it last time to reduce mass deaths." - Biden clearly indicating an attack on the 2nd Amendment - a founding American Amendment - while speaking at a Democratic Caucus
February
2023
Old Man Deflects Blame After Accident, Flees Into Woods
"It was already there when I got here, man." - Biden when pressed by reporter on issue of taking blame for inflation; inflation was 1.4% when he took office in Jan 2021, hit 9.1% in May 2022, and sits at 6.5% today
February
2023
Old Man Takes Long Way Round
"More than half the women in my cabinet - more than, more than half of the people in my cabinet- more than half the women in my administration are women!"
October
2022
Old Man Claims to Have Visited Alternate Universe
"That's why we defeated it in 2018 when they tried to do it. We went to 54 states." - Biden on Democrats campaigning in 2018 to keep Obamacare in place - on last check, the U.S. still had just 50 states
October
2022
Old Man is Bluntly Honest About Colleague
"Fetterman is everything that he appears to be." - A not-so-ringing endorsement of Pennsylvania Senator-hopeful John Fetterman whose stroke has left him with obvious cognitive issues during his limited public appearances
October
2022
Old Man Claims Bad is Not That Bad
"Because it's not record inflation anymore. I'm bringing it down." - In response to a reporter's question as to why voters should choose Democrats in the Midterm Elections - despite inflation remaining over 8%
October
2022
Lying Old Man Tells Lies
"The most common price of gas in America is $3.39, down from over five dollars when I took office." - Speaking to reporters about the economy ahead of the Midterms; Gas prices were actually $2.39 when Biden took office, inherited from the Trump Presidency
October
2022
Old Man Says Old Man Things
"Happy Birthday to a great president, we know your mom is always with you." - Biden towards VICE President Kamala Harris
October
2022
Old Man Says Something About Something
"The right that I pushed hard, and it finally got changed, the married couples in the privacy of their bedroom, excuse me, I'm thinking about the Dobbs decision..." - Biden at a Restore Roe rally
October
2022
Old Man Proves Reading is Fundamental
"If you get any questionable calls, please tell us by going to report fraud...report fraud, D-O-T, F-T-C, dot gov" - Biden introducing the Student Loan Debt Forgiveness website and SPELLING out the word DOT in the URL
October
2022
Old Man Deflects Blame, Runs Out of Room
"Well, that’s always been the case here..." - Biden responding to a reporter that California has ALWAYS HAD $7-a-gallon gasoline prices; gas prices have surged 39% in the state amidst rampant inflation and Democrat spending
October
2022
Lying Old Man Continues to Lie
"Our economy is strong as hell!" - Biden, while munching on an ice cream cone, responding to a reporter's question about inflation, this as inflation rose in September and the economy is in recessiong
October
2022
Old Man Promotes Power of the Sniffer
"Now, a very important thing I told my daughters and granddaughters...no serious guys until you are 30." - Biden, with his hands on the shoulders of a young girl, delivering unsolicited dating advice to the minor
September
2022
Old Man Passes on Warm Milk, Instantly Regrets Decision
"I say it's, I think it's, I haven't, look, I have trouble even mentioning, even saying to myself in my own head the number of years. I no more think of myself as being as old as I am than a fly. I mean it's just not- uh-uh- I haven't observed anything, there's not things..." - 60 Minutes Interview
September
2022
Old Man Reaches into Great Beyond, Contacts Colleague
"I want to thank all of you here, including bipartisan elected officials like … Senator Braun, Senator Booker, Representative … Jackie, Jackie are you here?" Biden said. "I think she was going to be here to help make this a reality." - Representative Jackie Walorski, 58, had died a month earlier in a tragic car accident along with two of her staffers, Biden's own administration issued its condolences in writing
September
2022
Tired Old Man States the Obvious
"The pandemic is over. We still have a problem with Covid. We’re still doing a lot of work on it. It’s – but the pandemic is over" - this as most of America has moved on from the pandemic since early-mid 2021
August
2022
Cranky Old Man Threatens Neighborhood, Aggressively Waves Cane
"For those brave right-wing Americans who say it’s all about keeping America independent and safe, if you want to fight against the country, you need an F-15. You need something more than a gun." - Biden, mocking 2nd Amendment Supporters and law-abiding citizens at a speech promoting stricter gun laws for all Americans
July
2022
Tired Old Man Attempts Math Problem Before Bed
"Inflation in July 2022 was zero percent." - This during a month when inflation ran at 8.5%
July
2022
Old Man Traps Young Man at Check-Out Lane
"My mother droves us rather than us being able to walk and guess what? The first frost, you know what was happening? You had to put on your windshield wipers to get literally the oil slick off the window. That’s why I and so damn many other people I grew up with have cancer and why for the longest time, Delaware had the highest cancer rate in the nation." - Biden talking about God knows what
July
2022
Old Man Blames Neighbors for His Own Noisy Grandkids
"Republicans are doing nothing but obstructing our efforts to crack down on gas-price gouging, lower food prices, lower healthcare costs, and hopefully, soon, lower your prescription drug costs. This is not right. And that’s why this election is going to be so darn important." - This as the Democrats hold majority control in the White House, Senate, AND Congress
July
2022
Happy Old Man Does Exactly as He is Told
"It is noteworthy that the percentage of women who registered to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than the percentage of the men who do so. End of quote. Repeat the line." - Biden reading teleprompter directional text out loud EXACTLY as it appeared
June
2022
Old Man Does Not Mince Words During Condolence Speech
"By the way, my sympathies to your – the family of your CFO, who dropped dead very unexpectedly. My best to their family, that's tough stuff..." - Biden rather crudely referencing the death of Jo-Ann Stores CEO Wade Miquelon who passed away the day prior
June
2022
Old King Refuses to Read Writing On Wall
"First of all, it's not inevitable. Secondly, we're in a stronger position than any nation in the world to overcome this inflation." - Biden on impending recession fears amidst dire warnings from economists for 3Q
June
2022
Old Man Refuses to Take Responsibility, Closes All Blinds
"If it’s my fault, why is it the case in every other major industrial country in the world that inflation is higher? You ask yourself that? I’m not being a wise guy." - in Reference to rising inflation and a recession being all but an inevitability; other countries were not showing higher rates of inflation than the U.S. at the time
June
2022
Old Man Manages to Speak from Both Sides of Mouth, Crowd in Awe
"Why don’t they drill more?" - Biden calling oil companies to help lower gas prices; the Democrats have been staunch supporters of anti-oil/gas initiatives and supporters of doing away with fossil fuels altogether
May
2022
Old Man Tells Old Man Stories
"You couldn’t buy a cannon when the Second Amendment was passed." - Biden calling for stricter gun laws following the mass shooting at Uvalde, TX; his repeated statement has been proven untrue several times prior
May
2022
Old Man Embellishes Oft-Told Story, Family Nods
"I've been in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan of over 40 I think 38 times..." - Biden speaking to U.S. Naval Academy graduates. Once again, the White House later had to apply a correction saying the number was actually 21
May
2022
Old Man Speaks Out of Turn, Family is Forced to Clarify
"Yes. Yes, we have a commitment to do that..." - Biden when asked whether the U.S. would come to the military aid of Taiwan from Chinese aggression. The White House then had to backtrack on the comment to reassure strategic ambiguity was still the U.S. course of action
May
2022
Family Embellishes War Record of Draft-Dodging Grandpappy
"When President Biden took office, millions were unemployed and there was no vaccine available." - Official WH Twitter feed touting admin gains; the vaccine had been available under Trump since Dec 2020
May
2022
Old Man Says 'Oops' Without Saying 'Oops'
"Use these funds we made available to you to prioritize public safety...Do it quickly, before the summer, when crime rates typically surge. Taking action today is going to save lives tomorrow. So, use the money. Hire the police officers...Invest in proven solutions." - Biden on using America Rescue Plan funds to fund law enforcement, this after not denouncing the BLM-riots of 2020 while on the campaign trail and now five months ahead of mid-term elections predicting a Red Wave
April
2022
Old Man Dips Into 401K Reserves
"One of the things I found out as President of the United States, I get to spend a lot of that money...We’re spending billions of dollars to do it" - Biden referring to making every vehicle in the U.S. Military 'climate friendly'
April
2022
Old Man Makes Googly Eyes at Neighbors Wife
"I’m deeply proud of the work she is doing as First Lady with Joining Forces initiative she started with Michelle Obama when she was Vice President and now carries on." - Michelle was First Lady
April
2022
Grumpy Old Man Looks to Usurp HOA President
"For God's sake, this man cannot remain in power." - Biden openly calling for removal of Russian leader Putin, much to the chagrin of EU leaders
March
2022
Old Man Openly Wishes He Was With Someone Else
"There’s been a little change in arrangement of who is on the stage because of the First Lady’s husband contracting COVID." - Biden referring to Vice President Harris and her husband
March
2022
Old Man States The Obvious
"We will not fight the Third World War in Ukraine...that's called World War III." - Biden on the possibility of U.S. troops fighting in Ukraine
February
2022
Old Man Forgets Grandkids at Rest Stop
"We completed one of the biggest airlifts in history. With more than 120,000 people evacuated to safety, that number is more than double what most experts thought was possible...the bottom line: 90% of Americans in Afghanistan who wanted to leave were able to leave." - Contrary to Report of 9,000 Americans Abandoned by Administration
August
2021
Old Man Forgets Grandkids at Deadly Waterpark
"The drawdown is proceeding in a secure and orderly way, prioritizing the safety of our troops as they depart." - Biden on the Afghanistan exit which left 13 U.S. Marines and at least 60 Afghans dead; Iraqi civilians were seen falling from the wings of outbound transports
July
2021
Old Man Attempts to Paint Colorful Rainbow with Charcoal Sticks
"None whatsoever. What you had is you had entire brigades breaking through the gates of our embassy. Six if I'm not mistaken. The Taliban is not the South, the North Vietnamese army. They're not - they're not remotely comparable in terms of capability. There's going to be no circumstance where you're going to see people being lifted off the roof of a embassy." - Biden on comparisons between the exit of Kabul and Saigon in which the former eventually had eerie similarities to the latter
July
2021
Old Man, Once Again, States Obvious
"Today, while the virus hasn't been vanquished, we know this: it no longer controls our lives." - Biden one month before Delta strain surge
April
2022
Old Man Chases Neighborhood Kids Off Lawn
"But no amendment — no amendment to the Constitution is absolute." - Biden in a Rose Garden speech on Gun Violence Prevention
January
2021
Old Man Wishes He Were Someone Else
"Things you can’t do by executive order unless you’re a dictator." - Biden signed no fewer than 12 ExOrds in first 10 days, reached 52 in 100 days
October
2020
Confident Old Man Starts Strong, Fizzles Like a Pre-Colonoscopy Fart
"I'll lead an effective strategy to immobilize trunalimunumaprzure..." - Biden trying, just trying...
October
2020
Loony Old Man Claims Nonsense Things with Nonsense Statement
"Barack And I Think It's a Right For People To Have Badakathcare..." - Biden trying, just trying...
October
2020
Grumpy Old Man Chases Neighborhood kids With Broom
"Wear the Damn Mask." - Biden talking down to non-maskers; cloth masks eventually found to be largely ineffective
August
2020
Demented Old Man Blames Neighbor for Foul Smell Coming from Septic
"As the walls close in on this man, I'm worried that he is going to get us into a war with Iran. Unfortunately I may have been right." - Biden on Trump during the 2020 campaign
August
2020
Senile Old Man Moves From One Lie to Another, Thinks No One Watching
"Here's my promise to you: If I'm elected president, I will always choose to unite rather than divide. I'll take responsibility instead of blaming others. I'll never forget that the job isn't about me - it's about you." - Biden on the campaign trail
June
2020
Tired Old Man Attempts Math Before Bed
"Now we have over 120 million dead from COVID." - Actual COVID fatalities at the time were 120,000
May
2020
Grumpy Old Racist is Racist
"If you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or Trump, then you ain't black." - Biden on African-American radio show
May
2020
Young Female Fails Old Man's Sniff Test
"You ever been to a caucus?...No you haven't. You're a lying dog-faced pony soldier." - Biden to a young female voter at rally
December
2019
Old Man Expectedly Falls Back on Cultural Stereotype
"I may be Irish but I'm not Stupid."
September
2019
Old Man Invites All County Residents to Neighbor's New Swimming Pool
"I would in fact make sure that there is, that we immediately surge to the border — all those people are seeking asylum. They deserve to be heard."
August
2019
Old Racist White Man is Not Racist
"Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids."
August
2019
Lying Old Man Continues His Lying Ways, Neighbors Help Cover Up
"There has not been one scintilla of evidence that (Hunter) ever...contacted anybody in the American government to do anything."
January
2012
Perverted Old Man Tells Unsettling Joke
"Now is the time to heed the timeless advice from Teddy Roosevelt: 'Speak softly and carry a big stick'. I promise you, the president has a big stick."
August
2008
Old Man Renames Friend Just Because
"A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States - Barack America!" - Biden introducing running mate Barack Obama
July
2008
Old Man Challenges Neighbor to Lawn Tractor Race
"If John McCain wants to know where the bad guys live, come back with me to Afghanistan. We know where they reside, and it's not Iraq."
January
2007
Old White Racist is Not Racist
"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." - Biden on Barak Obama
January
2007
Angry Old Man Discovers Crystal Ball is Accurate
"And you leave those billions of dollars of weapons behind I promise they're going to be used against your grandchild and mine some day." - Biden, commenting on prospect of Afghanistan withdrawel, CSPAN Video
January
2006
Old White Racist is Not Racist
"In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."
January
1977
Old White Racist is Not Racist
"Unless we do something about this, my children are going to grow up in a jungle, the jungle being a racial jungle with tensions having built so high that it is going to explode at some point. We have got to make some move on this." - Sen. Biden
January
1975
Grumpy Old Man Refuses to Feed Downtown Parking Meter
"I don't feel responsible for the sins of my father and grandfather, I feel responsible for what the situation is today, for the sins of my own generation. And I'll be damned if I feel responsible to pay for what happened 300 years ago." - Sen. Joe Biden on the subject of Reparations to American Blacks
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